The Ringer
by Model-D
Summary: What happens when Fat Tony tries to take over the Nuclear Power plant by substituting a look-alike for Smithers. The Simpsons aren't in this story, it mainly about Burns and Smithers .
1. Chapter 1

THE RINGER

THE RINGER

A/n: This story contains descriptions of graphic and implied violence (but nothing worse than some Bruce Willis flicks). Also some mild cussing. If you are offended by such situations, consider yourself warned.

_Chapter 1 – Fat Tony's Plan_

It's the wee hours of the morning and at Springfield's Legitimate Businessmen's Club. Fat Tony and his henchmen are burning the midnight oil. Lately Tony has been casting an envious eye on Monty Burns' cash stash at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, but couldn't come up with sneaky enough a plan to get at it…until now.

"I finally found the guy who's gonna work for us from the inside, and no one, even that desiccated old skinflint that runs the place, will be the wiser until it is too late," Tony hints.

"How ya gonna do that, boss? asked Legs

"Well, punk, listen and I'll tells ya. Ya know that sissy pants assistant Burnsy has?

"Yeah, Smerthers or Smiggers or something like that?" responds Louie.

"Eggs-actly." Then yelling over his shoulder, "Hey, Buddy, come in here."

A silhouetted figure enters and is seen only from the back. Legs, obviously startled, jumps up and pulls out his pistol.

"Hey, Tony, what's _he_ doin' here?"

"Relax. This isn't who you think. I'd like you guys to meet Buddy Bedwood."

As the newcomer steps closer, he is revealed as an individual who is almost Smithers' exact double, but dressed more fashionably and without glasses.

"Usin' dis guy, I have a plan that can't miss" he says, laughing menacingly, " Now here's what we're gonna do..."

Cut to next morning. Waylon Smithers who serves Montgomery Burns in many and varying capacities, is eagerly departing from his residence to go to his job. As he starts to get into his car, he hears a feminine falsetto voice call for help from the alley beside the apartment building. He shrugs and slides behind the steering wheel. Tony peeks discreetly around the corner of the building and realizes this plan isn't working. Time for Plan B.

"Help…help me." Shouts a gruffly masculine voice.

Smithers is immediately alert. He leaps out of the automobile and dashes into the alley to try and help a fellow fellow in possible distress.

"Wha…what's going on here?" he asks, seeing three burly men and one that could be his twin brother just standing in the alley. "Where's the emergency?" then gasps, staring at the double.

"You hear that?" Tony asks Buddy to see if he can mimic Smithers voice.

"What's going on here? Where's the emergency?" Buddy answers, sounding a lot like Smithers.

Tony and his men laugh briefly. Smithers decides he wants no part of these shenanigans and turns to leave, but is grabbed from behind.

Cut back to the front of the building as the sounds of a general melee ensue. Some incoherent shouting is followed by a crashing noise then several sickening thuds are heard. A few moments later what appears to be Smithers emerges, carrying a dark green jacket over his forearm with a plant ID badge clipped to it. It's Buddy. He feels in his own shirt pocket briefly and extracts a clip-on bowtie that he secures in place. Another dive into the pocket brings up a pair of eyeglasses, which he perches on his nose. Slipping into the jacket, he fishes around its pocket and produces a set of keys, gets in the car and speeds off.

A few moments later, Tony emerges from the alley, glances up and down the street then makes a motion. A black limo pulls up to the alley from down the block. Legs and Louie appear dragging a limp form between them, which they shove into the back of the limo. They all get in and the vehicle zooms away.

_To be continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – Buddy's Search _Chapter 2 – Buddy's Search_

Buddy, masquerading as Smithers, pulls into the parking lot of the power plant. He has been well coached in his new role and instructed about what to do. He has no problem passing by the main entrance security guard and looks at the building directory just inside and sees that the office of C. Montgomery Burns is on the ground floor. Looking around quickly to get orientated, he starts off in that direction. He pauses just outside the office door, takes a deep breath and crosses the threshold.

"Good morning, Mr. Burns!" he utters over-enthusiastically as he enters the outer office.

"Uh…good morning, Smithers." Mr. Burns' voice answers from the inner office."What's the matter? Are you ill today?"

"Why do you ask?" Buddy inquires uneasily.

"Your voice sounds a little different for some reason."

"Heh, heh" Buddy laughs nervously and attempts to clear his throat. "I can assure you, it's just a temporary thing."

"Well, come in here. I have some typing for you," indicating a large pile of papers on the corner of the desk.

"Good Lord, Smithers. Are you putting on weight? You look like you gained five pounds since yesterday." Burns inquires as Buddy approaches the desk.

Buddy is getting a little annoyed with all these questions. "I really couldn't say," he snaps.

"Well, I'll see you take it off soon enough. The key is to keep busy. You know a pound here and a pound there start to add up after a while," Burns advises.

"Yeah, I'll pound you, you useless old twit," Buddy thinks to himself as he grunts picking up the stack and moves it to the outer office.

Seeing the nameplate W. SMITHERS, he drops the pile on the desk and sits in the chair muttering. He starts to rummage through the drawers looking for the safe combination. Each drawer offers a new frustration, as the elusive numbers cannot be found. After all the drawers and countless papers have been disturbed, Buddy slams the last drawer shut, crooks his elbows and plops his head into his hands. The desk intercom buzzes.

"I don't hear any typing out there," Burns' voice singsongs over the device.

"Ahh…I'm looking for a typewriter ribbon" Buddy says thinking quickly.

"TYPEWRITER?….We haven't used typewriters here in almost….let's see, …six months now. Ever since we got the new computer. Now use it, man!"

"Of course, a computer!" Buddy realizes. "They wouldn't be stupid enough to leave the safe combination laying around the office. Maybe the combination is stored there."

He powers up the computer on the desk and searches the files. One file displayed is named "SAFE INFO". "Ho, ho, ho…here we go," he exclaims to himself, eagerly clicking on the file. Immediately he sees a pop-up saying "ENTER PASSWORD."

"Aargh!" he grimaces in frustration.

Meanwhile back at Tony's club, the gangsters are discussing what is to be done with the real Smithers who is now tied to a chair, gagged and still out cold. They decide to keep him there, at least temporarily, in case their plan backfires and they need a hostage or more information. Tony's phone rings. It's Buddy calling from his cell phone as to not use the company line that might be monitored or traced. Tony answers.

"How's it goin'?" Pauses. "Well, keep tryin'. We will try on this end too." He hangs up.

The phone ringing has awakened Smithers, who, realizing what's happened, starts struggling to escape. Tony removes the gag.

"Where am I? What are you doing? I want to see Mr. Burns!" Smithers demands.

"That can be arranged…just as soon as you tell us the combination to the power plant safe," Tony calmly intones

"NEVER!" Smithers hisses.

"Looks like you need some persuasion, friend," Tony says, chillingly. He walks over to a small table, opens a drawer and removes a pair of brass knuckles handing them to Legs, a rubber hose and a billy club which he gives to Louie. He takes the stun gun for himself.

"Here ya go, fellas; crude, but effective. Of course good old-fashioned punches and kicks are allowed. Its been a while since we had a good upper body workout and if we get tired doin' one thing, we can switch around!"

The henchmen find this comment amusing.

"You wouldn't strike a man wearing glasses…with those!" Smithers gulps.

"Oh…of course not." says Tony in a patronizing tone.

He walks over to the helpless man and removes the spectacles, tossing them onto a nearby table. "There…feel better? We wouldn't want to break the lenses and hurt _ourselves_," Tony says sarcastically. Leaning on Smithers' shoulder, he whispers in his ear, "Pretty Boy, what we did to you in the alley will seem like love pats compared to what you'll get now unless you tell us what we wanna know. You're not gonna be so pretty then, you can bet."

Smithers remains adamantly silent.

_To be continued…_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – Smithers' Ordeal

Tony straightens up, "Have it your way, pal." He turns a dial on the tazer and lightly touches it to Smithers neck. His whole body jerks, but he says nothing. Tony ups the voltage another notch. ZAP! Smithers convulses then, shaking his head, moans. Still no conversation. Tony moves back and addresses his henchmen, "Okay, hit 'im hard and hit 'im anyplace, but don't break his jaw or fracture his skull just in case he decides he wants to do a little talkin'. Now…make him TALK!"

Cut to the power plant. Buddy has been desperately typing words into the computer in a vain attempt to stumble on the secret password. Burns seems contented to hear the keyboard clicking. But after about a half-hour of futile attempts, Buddy sits back, sighs and hangs his head down on his chest. The scene dissolves into the real Smithers with his head down on his chest, but with a badly bruised face. His left eye is the same color as his tie and swollen shut and these are just the visible injuries. One can only guess at the rough treatment he has endured in the last thirty minutes.

"We're not getting anything outta this guy!" Legs says, amazed as he fans his hand. The gangsters are discovering that Smithers isn't the sissy they thought him to be.

"Well, let's leave him be for now" instructs Tony. "He sure as shootin' won't be any good to us as a dead man. Let 'im sit there and cogitate on the circumstances when he comes to."

"I love it when you talk that way, boss!" exclaims Louie.

The hoods pass the time by playing cards. After a while, Smithers gradually regains consciousness. As he revives, he groans shakes his head and slowly looks up and fixes a defiant stare at Tony with his one open eye.

Tony saunters over to Smithers. "Had enough yet, pal?" he asks mellifluously.

Tony receives no answer.

Tony grabs the stun gun off the desk again, turns the dial up to full capacity. It starts to emit an ominous humming. Tony jabs it into Smithers shoulder. His whole body goes rigid, straining against the ropes as he grimaces violently. Tony removes the tazer and Smithers goes limp.

The phone rings again.

"Yeah!" barks Tony, then after a pause: "No luck here either. I guess we'll just have to come down there and do this the hard way," he says before disconnecting. Tony picks up a glass from the desk and dashes the contents into Smithers face, which brings him around. "We're gonna have to go and try to persuade your boss, so think about it, pal."

"Noooo. Don't hurt Mr. Buuurrrnss! I'll tell you!" Waylon pleads between gasps.

Tony leans over and Smithers whispers in his ear. "Okay, pal. We will see about that, but just in case you are lyin', we'll keep you here for now. Tony ties the gag firmly back on Smithers. "And if you _are_ lyin'…" Tony gives him a vicious slap with the back of his hand that twists Smithers head almost 180.

After the crooks leave, Smithers struggles feebly at his bonds, but is hindered by the beating. His head and face are throbbing. He is so dizzy that he can hardy tell up from down. His hands feel numb where they are tied behind him.

Back in Burns' office, Buddy gets a desperate idea. He rises from the desk and enters the inner office.

"Yes, what is it?" Burns asks.

"Uh…I need the password for the safe file on the…computer." Buddy stammers, unsure the old man will go along with the ruse.

"Oh, Smithers, quit teasing. You picked that one out yourself. Something to do with a doll…Marylou Tracey or something like that."

"Huh…oh…yeah" Buddy says, still confused.

Buddy returns to the outer office. His mind drifts and he starts to daydream…Marylou Tracey….Marylou Tracey….He remembers being at his sister's house where he stopped on his way to Springfield to visit his niece on her birthday. His family is totally unaware of what his line of work is except that he in a business and frequently goes out of town to see about it. He remembers his 7-year-old niece, Nancy, playing in the living room with a doll and all the accessories. He remembers her saying, "Hey, Uncle Buddy, look at Malibu Stacey's new outfit that mommy bought for me…"

Suddenly Buddy is back in the office and sits bolt upright "That's it!! MALIBU STACEY!!" He quickly types the words and the file opens. A smile broadens over Buddy's face as the numbers 42-24-34 appear along with a list of documents and money stored there.

_To be continued…_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – Kitty

The scene back at Tony's club is bleak. Smithers struggles to free himself even more vehemently, fearing for Mr. Burns safety. He is fighting severe vertigo and the throbbing ache in his head, every breath an agony, but with each twist and turn, the ropes tighten and the knots press into his wrists. Suddenly there's a timid knock at the door. Smithers moans in his gag and tries desperately to get free not knowing who is on the other side. The door opens a crack and an attractive woman with short dark hair peeks around. She sees Smithers tied in the chair and his beaten and gagged face. She runs over to him and drops on her knees in front of him.

"Oh, Buddy! What happened?" she beseeches. She jumps up and rips off the gag and snogs the helpless man before he can get a word in. This is excruciating on his aching face. He swoons.

When he comes around, he finds himself lying on the couch in Tony's office. A cool, moist towel is on his head. The woman is sitting in a chair by the sofa staring expectantly at him. When she sees he is awake, she springs up, grabs his head and plants another kiss on him. When she finishes and comes up for air, Smithers gasps and says thickly, "Do I know you, miss?"

The woman looks startled. "Now Buddy, quit your teasing and talk normal. You're scaring me."

"If you got punched in the throat, would you talk normally?" he says peevishly.

Kitty continues pouting, "How could you forget your fiancée? You took off and didn't even tell me! Your sister told me you came here. She said, 'Kitty, I don't know what this his business of his is, but he's out of town more than he's around here.'" Then she adds, "Amy said something about a club in Springfield. I got here on the bus early this morning and I've been looking for this place since."

Having no idea what Kitty is babbling about and fearing another amorous advance on his tenderized face, added to his anxiety about Burns, Smithers wants to get away more than ever now. He gets up, but staggers a moment still feeling the effects of the recent violence.

"Owww…" he groans grabbing his right side. His left knee starts throbbing intensely. Hobbling over to the bar he sits down heavily on a stool. He picks up a knife from the bar and slits his trousers over the knee. Kitty gasps. The joint is the size of a grapefruit but the color of an eggplant. Smithers frowns. As he wraps the cool towel around it he asks Kitty how long he was out.

"About 20 minutes. Are you sure you're all right?"

He thinks with the exception of a rib or two, that no important bones are broken. Just banged up. Smithers asks how she got him over to the couch.

"Oh, Buddy, you oughta know. I've picked you up from bar room floors often enough," she sighs. "Anyway you're a little thinner than I remember from last time. Are you sure you're eating enough?"

But Smithers doesn't have time for Twenty Questions, he stands up again. Kitty attempts to make him rest a few more minutes to no avail. Realizing he might as well have two black eyes if he can't wear his glasses, he grabs them off the table where Tony threw them. As he gingerly replaces them on his face, Kitty inquires suspiciously, "You have…glasses?"

"Um..yeah..just got 'em..for..uh…counting all the money I'm going to get," he fumbles.

Kitty starts toward him wanting another kiss, but grasping her firmly by the shoulders, he looks at her, "Thanks a lot…um…Kitty. Now just go back to my..ah..sisters and wait. You're in danger if you stay here."

Smithers backs away, takes a last look at his rescuer, "PLEASE!" turns and limps rapidly out the door. His irregular footfalls can be heard fading away then a door slams. She stands in the empty office with arms akimbo.

"WELL…REALLY!" she exclaims, "MEN!" as she snatches her purse and swishes out the door.

_To be continued…_


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – Caught in the Act

In Burns' office, Buddy is suddenly making his own plans that don't quite mesh with Tony's. He has decided on a double-cross and plans to take the cash for himself. The computer file revealed how much money is in the safe. He will need it to provide a good life for Kitty. He opens a desk drawer and removes a paper bag then returns to the inner office.

"What are you doing in here again, Smithers?" growls the nuclear nabob.

"Just going to open the safe to put in these securities" says Buddy holding up the empty sack, but actually meaning to put the loot into it.

Outside of the plant, Tony and his gang have arrived. Legs walks up to the guard at the main entrance, takes a yo-yo out of his pocket and starts doing tricks with it. The guard being distracted, Tony and Louie slip in the door behind the guard's back.

Burns, totally unconcerned, returns to the contemplation of his desktop blotter as Tony and Louie, who surreptitiously slipped into the facility, enter the outer office. Buddy is intent on twirling the combination and doesn't hear the men approach. The door of the safe swings open and Buddy sighs, marveling at all the cash inside. Tony realizes that Buddy has discovered the combination, jumped ahead of the arrangements and is probably planning to lam with the money himself. He draws his revolver and cocks the hammer. Hearing the ominous click, Buddy whirls around to see Tony aiming his gun. Burns also looks up at the sound.

"Now be a good fella and just hand it all over here." Tony utters scowling and holding out his free hand.

Buddy figures that Tony will take the money, then shoot him for trying to pull a fast one. He decides that if he can't have it, Tony won't get it either. In one swift motion, he grabs the pistol that had also been secured in the safe and slams the door shut pointing the gun at Tony. Burns mistakes Buddy's aggressive moves as Smithers defending the company valuables. It's a standoff.

"Look out, Smithers! I think he means business!" trying repeatedly to press a non-existent button on the desk. "Drat! Why did I have that security alarm removed?" he laments too late.

"Shut up, pops!" snarls Louie.

Buddy's hand holding the pistol flicks for an instant, but Tony is quicker and a loud "poof" is heard from his gun's silencer. Buddy grimaces and drops to his knees on the office floor. But as he convulses, the hand holding the pistol squeezes the trigger. It goes off as Buddy slumps onto the floor. The bullet whizzes harmlessly between Tony and Louie. The gangsters, knowing the un-silenced shot will bring more guards and curious personnel to the area, hurry from the office without the loot they had plotted so cleverly to obtain. They bolt out the main entrance and motion Legs to follow.

"Sorry, gotta go!" he says to the guard and runs off leaving the sentry scratching his head.

Burns sits in stunned silence looking at the prone, inert form on his carpet. "Smithers…are you all right?" he says softly and receives no reply. He quickly kneels by his phony employee's side.

He tries to loosen the tie, but the clip-on comes off in his hand. Burns seems a little taken aback at this, but tosses it on the desk. He removes the eyeglasses, which end up next to the tie. He then pats Buddy's face gently, "Smithers….Smithers…" as he attempts to succor the man who he still believes to be his minion.

_To be continued…_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 – Angst is All Around

In a fairly deserted part of the city the real Smithers is attempting to get to the power plant, but sees no taxis or other means of rapid transportation. He is quickly losing his already tenuous stamina. He slows down and rests briefly against the side of a building gasping for breath. As he tries to move on again, he stops abruptly, puts his hand to his head and collapses.

Back at the plant, curious workers are starting to mill around the office door whispering and craning their necks. Finally, a pair of security guards arrive and push their way into the room. Monty is now cradling Buddy to his chest and rocking back and forth as a tear runs down his cheek. "They…they killed Smithers!" he blubbers. Then suddenly fierce, "The bastards!"

The guards make a quick examination and determine that the injury wasn't as yet fatal. He's just wounded very badly and will need to get to the hospital - pronto. One guard applies pressure to the wound while the other phones the authorities.

Cut to later. Mr. Burns is sitting in the outer office and giving his statement to Police Chief Wiggum. Buddy has been removed to the hospital. Some plain clothes detectives work in the inner office behind yellow crime scene tape stretched across the doorway. One puts the gun from the safe and the bloodstained paper bag in a box marked "EVIDENCE". The other is dusting for fingerprints on the outside of the safe after requesting Smithers' personnel file containing a record of his prints and blood type. A few reporters mill around the area, including Kent Brockman, eavesdropping on the testimony and snapping a photo now and then.

After the police leave and the gawkers thin out, Burns contemplates the events of the last forty-five minutes. He starts toying with the eyeglasses and bowtie that are still on his desk. Something is niggling at the back of his mind, but he can't quite seem to put his finger squarely on it

Meanwhile, the real Smithers regains consciousness and staggers around dazedly. "Have to…get to…power…plant" he urges himself. Feeling the need for a stimulating beverage, he fishes in his pockets for money but comes up empty. He tries to panhandle from a bum, "Just give me a buck for a quick cup of cappuccino." He implores the tramp.

"Yeah, sure, and I just need 25,000 to get an SUV!" the vagrant sarcastically retorts, pushing the dazed, battered face away from his.

Smithers stumbles onward.

Fat Tony and his mob have arrived back at the club and discover that their captive has escaped and assume he is probably babbling to the cops at that very moment. Not knowing if Buddy is alive or dead, or caring very much for that matter, they assume the law will now be hot on their tails in either case. They grab the loot from their own safe and hurry out of the club. As Tony closes the door, he hangs a sign on it, "Gone to Peru. Back in 10 years."

_To be continued…_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 – Sidetracked

Smithers is finally able to hail a taxi, but he is so dazed he can't make the driver understand where he wants to go. He sits in the back of the cab moaning incoherently. The driver decides to drop him off at the hospital figuring this was only some drunk that got in a street fight. At the emergency room the waiting orderlies hustle him inside on a gurney. The attending doctor can find no ID on him. So while the staff is attempting to find out who this mysterious man is, he is kept in a cubicle for observation. The doctor orders some tests then leaves to attend other patients. About 20 minutes later, Smithers revives and starts a ruckus, demanding to be let go. Some orderlies hold him down as another rushes over with a syringe, tears his shirt sleeve and injects him with a tranquilizer. He slips back into oblivion. The light in the ER window fades into night, then brightens. It's morning again. He awakens feeling a little better, just in time to catch a glimpse of a nurse leaving the cubicle. There's a cold pack on his head. He doesn't want to make a disturbance and receive another injection. He quietly arises, and tries to pull the IV out of his arm. "Nuts!" he mutters as the needle hole starts to bleed. He grabs a gauze pad from the utility table and presses it against the site until it stops. Then he pulls off the gown he finds himself in and discovers that his chest has a bandage wrapped around it as well as his injured knee. Locating his tattered, stained clothes on a stand, he gets dressed as best he can and looks carefully up and down the corridor. Glancing at the wall clock he sees that it's just after 9 AM…good…shift change. Seeing nobody around, he slips out of the hospital. Twenty minutes later the doctor arrives in the ER in an obvious state of agitation, runs past the nursing station and throws back the curtain of the cubicle that had been holding Smithers. The doctor blinks then yells, "Where's the patient that was in here?" A few nurses come over and look at the empty compartment. "He's gone!" exclaims one.

"Well, DUH!" the doc sarcastically replies. "You wouldn't believe it, but there's another patient that's was admitted yesterday with a gunshot wound who looks just like him. I had to check back to make sure I wasn't seeing double.

Meanwhile, Smithers has finally made it back to the plant, but is accosted by the guard who notices he has no ID badge. "Hey, mister!" as he puts his hand on Smithers' shoulder and spins him around to see his face. "Where do you think you're go…Aggghhhhh!" the guard screams and backs away. Smithers, who had no time to bother about the strange behavior, makes his way to Burns' office and is surprised that there are so few employees about, the ones that do see him look at him askance and hurry off. But as he enters the office, he sees the yellow tape across the door. Glancing into the inner office he notices a red stain on the carpet in front of the wall safe and thinks the worst case scenario. He drops into his own chair. Putting his head down on the desk, he pounds the desktop, "I'm too late! Damn it, they went and did it! Damn them all to hell!"

_To be continued…_


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 – The Burns Identity

"Excuse me. Can I help you?" Mr. Burns voice asks. Waylon looks up to see his beloved boss standing over him. Burns is startled to see another Smithers groveling about the office. "DAH!" they both exclaim simultaneously and faint.

The next thing he knows, Smithers is staring into the face of the same doctor from the ER. The sharp smell of ammonia is still in his nose. He tries to sit up but grabs his head and moans.

"Take it easy now" intones the medic and eases Smithers back onto the office couch.

"Mr. Burns, what's going on here?" Waylon queries weakly.

"I was hoping you would tell ME," says Burns who has already fully recovered from his swoon and is standing beside another guard.

When the doctor arrived, he was surprised at seeing his elusive patient there. Recognizing the bandages and lack of a gunshot wound, he know this is the man from the ER. The physician finally finishes his examination of Smithers and piecing that together information he obtained at the hospital, announces that he has sustained a serious concussion, likely due to the numerous blows, a bruised knee and has two broken ribs, but there is no permanent damage done. He advises a week or two of rest, an ice bag or cold compress on his injuries as needed and aspirin to help with any discomfort. The guard and the doctor help Waylon sit up on the office couch as the doctor gives him a temporary cold pack, which he promptly applies to his head. Burns tells the doc that indeed there was a shooting in that very office yesterday and the victim was his aide, Waylon Smithers.

"B..B..But '**I'm**' Waylon Smithers, " he stammers.

Burns comes over and sits beside him and saying "Well, 'SMITHERS', I have a few questions for you. First of all…WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU?" Monty aggressively inquires.

Smithers is shocked at the abruptness of Burns, but answers hopefully, "Mr. Burns, aren't you well? You have to know me. I've worked for you the last 25 years. Your loyal employee…" he trails off waiting for a sign of recognition.

"I see." Burns ponders with that same nagging thought running just beyond clarity. Staring at Smithers, Burns suddenly has an epiphany. He reaches over and yanks Smithers tie. It doesn't come off in his hand.

"Please, Mr. Burns!" Waylon says, trying to laugh it off. "I didn't expect a twenty-one gun salute, but you don't have to strangle me, heh…heh." as he straightens the accessory.

"May I examine your spectacles?" Burns asks.

Smithers removes his glasses and gives them to the boss who studies them. Burns holds them up to the light, then looks through them. He goes to the desk and does the same thing to the other pair. He ponders a moment longer, then walks back to Smithers. "Just a few more questions. What is the name of my oldest attack dog?"

"Why…it's Crippler. You know that."

"Yes…and where did we find Bobo?"

"Well, that was…let me see…in baby Maggie Simpson's sandbox!" you should remember that, sir.

"Hmmmm…right again. One more – what's the name of my queen bee?"

Smithers glances around a moment, slightly embarrassed, then whispers in Monty's ear so the others present wouldn't hear.

A smile, or what passes for one, spreads across Burns' face. "Oh, my boy…it IS you!" he cries. Only my devoted Smithers would have known the correct answers to those questions. Jumping up, he exclaims, "It seems there was an imposter working here yesterday. A wolf in sheep's wool." The pointing at Smithers, "_You_'_re_ the real sheep!" He then relates the tale of the attempted burglary. After which Smithers recounts his kidnapping and ordeal.

"Oh, my poor old Smithers! Of course…take as much time as you need to recover. I have to have you back here fit enough to protect me from other assassins and thieves."

"But tell me Mr. Burns, why did you look at those eyeglasses so long?" Waylon asks.

"See," Burns indicates as he holds both pairs up to the light side by side. "This pair from the imposter doesn't refract the view through them. They're made of plain glass. The other pair do. They are prescription lenses - the ones belonging to…Waylon Smithers," he concludes, handing the second pair back to their owner. "Plus the fact that you would NEVER wear a…UGH…clip-on tie!" he adds giving another yank at Smithers tie which unravels as the ends hang down his shirt front.

"Amazing deduction, sir. You should have been a detective," gushes Smithers replacing the glasses on his face, wincing a little.

"Oh, it was simple enough." Burns responds, producing a large calabash pipe and starts puffing on it in Sherlock Holmes fashion. "And I'm sure the boys down at the "Yard" will use their forensic talents to discover who that phony Smithers is. Yes…it has been QUITE an interesting time."

Just at the moment, Chief Wiggum bursts in waving a handful of papers and panting. "Hey Mr. Burns, we found out that the man shot here yesterday wasn't Mr. Smithers after all! The fingerprints and blood type are all wrong. He's just a small-time hoodlum from Ogdenville by the name of Buddy Bedwood. The hospital said he will recover, but boy, will he have quite a lot of questions to answer when he does!" He stops short when he sees another Smithers sitting on the couch. He gapes.

"Quite!" concludes Inspector Monty.

The End


End file.
